Not Having Kids

OMG, you’ve hit on something that’s a really, really big peeve of mine: the idea that choosing not to have kids is the selfish path. I submit that it’s just the opposite. Counter to what people assume – that all the selfless sacrifice is on the side of adults who choose to become parents – I say there’s plenty of sacrifice and selflessness on the part of adults consciously choosing not to have children.

I chose not to have children because of my social consciousness values (already enough babies being made) . From my early 20’s until I was 40, my body would go through yearly cycles of screaming at me to get pregnant. Not all women experience this, but many do. Mine was a pretty severe case, and let me tell you, it’s extremely hard to battle against. Not allowing myself to experience pregnancy and childbirth is/was a huge sacrifice.

Also, when you have biological children, you have little mini-me versions of yourself. How much more ego-gratifying and selfish can you get? Choosing not to do so is a huge sacrifice. Not to mention experiencing the unique bond and love a parent has with their child, the joys of watching them grow and discover themselves and the world, probably having grand kids to spoil some day, and maybe someone there to help take care of you in your old age.

Also, women who are mothers never have to experience what I do at least on a weekly basis: the assumption that either I’m gay, or that I must hate kids (when I actually adore kids and they adore me), or that something is physically or mentally wrong with me because I don’t have any children. I’m often met with a combination of disgust and pity, and some people act like I could not be more of a freak if I had two heads. And of course the inevitable implication that I’m the selfish one.

I don’t regret my choice, but no one can tell me I’m selfish or that my choice hasn’t entailed any sacrifice. It’s the exact opposite.

I’ve also noticed that couples that never had children seem to be less happy than the ones that did as they get older (this is purely anecdotally). Does the research you’re thinking of say anything along those lines? That would seem a bit more of a nuanced interpretation to couples happiness and children, ie: they’re happy without children but happier if they do have them and they’re grown up and not hanging around.

“Well, biologically speaking, yes, your goal as a human being is to have children. So that default assumption isn’t exactly far out of whack with our biology.”

Um, could you tell me where in my biology it is programmed for me to have kids? That sounds like that “selfish gene” crap that started to get in the tripe magazines like Time in the 80’s. As though the little genes in every cell of my body have a separate consciousness from my own, and that they possess competitiveness. Can someone locate and measure this desire, and mabye talk some reason into the little beggars? The whole idea is so stupid it’s insulting. The idea that we don’t exist for ourselves, but merely as some mindless cogs in a self perpetuating machine that seeks to assert our own genes over all the rest of the genes in the world. It’s so wrong on so many levels. That’s all a bunch of psuedoDarwinist crappy brainwashing. It’s so ironic that the christianists who deny evolution seem to be the biggest Darwinists, at least when it comes to any social and economic policies.

I don’t have kids, mostly because I’m gay (yes, I’m “unnatural” according to the idiots who can also confidently ignore serious economists because they had a chapter in a textbook on supply and demand in 6th grade. Funny how “nature” can produce so many “unnatural” phenomena). I probably would have loved to have kids when I was young. But after I tasted the freedom of adulthood, by the age of 30 I found it inconceivable to even contemplate turning my life over to kids at the level I see my siblings, cousins and former schoolmates do. Especially white middle class people. Everything they do is for their kids. It was nothing like that when I was a kid, especially for the fathers, and I would have found that environment oppressive. Of course my mother was stuck at home raising us, but she pretty much chased us out of the house every chance she got and never gave us a second thought until it was dinner time. The idea of play dates and constant supervision would have been unthinkable to their generation. Actually it was shocking to them the first few years of watching how their grandkids have been raised.

Frankly, the idea that the world will never have another me, not even in dispersed form among descendants, doesn’t bother me in the least. Fuck the world — it doesn’t deserve another me. It shouldnt bother anyone else either, but it seems to be a common social/cultural anxiety. You’ll be dead. There is no way for you to enjoy the partial genetic heritage you leave behind (because even if you have 2 kids and each generation after you has 2 kids, odds are 1/4 of “your” genes will hit a dead end every generation).

But I will go on the record as saying having kids *is* selfish and misguided, and it is suicide for the human race and murder to countless other species. Ever since W stole the election, I have thanked my lucky stars that I don’t have kids to worry about when things go seriously to shit (and it was guaranteed from that day onward). My prayer for all the Republicans in my family is that they get to live to see all the suffering and despair they bequeathed to their children and grandchildren’s generations. And if I ever speak to them again, it will only be to rub their faces in it.

Sure I can tell you. It’s programmed in your genetics. There’s a reason why you have sex organs, and why you presumably like sex, and why you might have an interest in people beyond simple friendship. Is that measurable enough for you? It’s pretty simple, really, and it has nothing to do with value judgements. Scientifically speaking, life exists to live and to perpetuate itself. Humans like to flatter themselves about our higher purposes in life, but in reality were just a continuation of those first primordial oozes that first existed many billions of years ago.

You should read Darwins theory of evolution if you never have before, it’s one of the simplest and most elegant theories ever created.

Also, I forgot to mention previously, for the “socially conscious” who choose not to have kids (over environmental reasons for example), having just one child will have the same effect as having no children. The overall population will decline (assuming no net immigration from areas with above replacement rate fertility). Even if everyone were to have exactly 2 children, the overall population would still decline due to premature deaths.

Err, you can have your cake and eat it too 😉

John,

No, it doesn’t make sense. It makes sense to take care of the ones that are here. It makes sense to do something so that all children have sufficient love, food, education and medical care (not that we’ve come even close to achieving that) but satisfying that need isn’t made more likely by hammering couples into not having children. Those are two entirely different urges. The deep biological urge to have a child with a mate that you love beyond reason is not satisfied in any way by taking care of children that aren’t yours.

Just my thoughts: I think you know from an early age whether you want children, the desire to have (or not have) them seems, from what I’ve observed, to be entirely free of your circumstances, age, background, or anything else. People who want children know this deep down, they know it and they feel it to an overwhelming degree, and they arrange their lives to make it possible. Personally, I’ve never wanted children and I always knew that, and arranged my life the other way, avoiding any possibility of having them. I like kids, I enjoy them–but the thought of having and raising them makes me want to shrivel up and die. Really, it does.

But the decision to be childless comes with a lot of sacrifice in your personal life–different from the sacrifices that parents have to make, but very real. You lose out on relationships and there is a vast unbridgeable area between you and others who do have children.

I feel fortunate to live in a time when that really is more of a choice for a woman, but the “selfish” and “unnatural” tags have followed me my whole life. And they do for men who don’t want children, either: Look at all the messages that Hollywood and the MSM sends out about men who don’t want to marry and reproduce being “childish,” “refusing to grow up,” wanting “to remain children themselves,” until they “man up, grow up, and settle down,” as it were. For women, it’s the image of the soulless, single, childless executive married to her career who needs to experience childrearing in order to be a fully realized person with a normal heart, normal emotions, etc etc. (I suppose my childlessness is even more odd to people given that I don’t, alas, have that brilliant high-paying career I’m supposed to get as a tradeoff–dang, foiled again!)

I know what you’re saying, Suspenders, and clearly, most people feel the way you do (which I guess is a good thing if the human race is going to continue…)

There are people who choose to live lives where they don’t fall in love and don’t marry. (Think of monks and nuns. And no, monks and nuns aren’t involved in the sex-abuse stuff that priests are.) It seems odd to the rest of us but really, being in love isn’t necessary for life, even for a fulfilling life, counter-intuitive though that may seem.

Raising kids isn’t for everyone. Lots of people who are temperamentally or otherwise unsuited for parenthood have kids all the time and the amount of work involved and the amount of selflessness raising kids entails is likely extremely off-putting to these people. I’m a man who stays home to care for two toddlers and this is the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life, bar none. Shoveling gravel and earning a degree were nothing against this vigilance over near perpetual motion and bodily fluids and lost sleep and housework and health and safety.

I suspect there’s lots of jealousy and a huge “not getting it” factor for people who don’t have children. Plus, in the American workplace, people with kids are simply unable to put in the endless hours single people can do. This can easily lead to resentment.

Couples with children are probably less immediately happy because raising kids is damned hard work if you do it — or attempt to do it — “right.” They also understand the resource drain that children simply are. There’s no more eating out, no more sleep (probably literally years of sleep lost, taken in aggregate), few chances to even read a paragraph of an adult book, seemingly constant sickness and diapers, poop and vomit and bottles to wash and endless minor and major disasters and trouble lurking all the time.

Having said that, anybody who calls single people or couples or a woman selfish for not having kids is an idiot at the very least and possibly extremely resentful at having sacrificed at least a decade and a half during the prime of their life (as they see it) to raising kids. Such is the mindset of the “me” generation, I fear.

Kids are not necessary for most of us. There are plenty of children on the planet. Our DNA will continue until the entire planet becomes uninhabitable. Meanwhile, those of us who have kids need to keep in mind that the way we raise them will determine whether we feel we wasted our time or not; that is, whether our kids grow up to be the type of people who judge others who don’t have children to be selfish. What goes around comes around. Always.

Parents can feel trapped and hobbled and beaten down and broke and sad if they like — it’s their choice. It’s also their choice to aim their resentment at people who don’t have kids, who don’t know the horrors and existential angst that parents seldom mention. Raising kids can seem to be impossibly hard work all the time, every day, unending. Most people do not have a clue what it entails until they have to do it and have done it. I don’t begrudge any person for not having children. Obliquely, I’ve also pretty much vowed to avoid working for people who don’t have kids or have never had them, but that’s another discussion for another time, I think.

Show me a person always happy while raising kids and I’ll show you someone who is either 1) medicated to the gills, or 2) so wealthy that they don’t need to get their hands dirty or lose sleep or worry about bills while raising them (Those people exist, I’ve seen them.).

Nobody knows the bone-grinding daily work of child rearing like those who have done it and I have nothing but respect for people who do it, including generations of moms, dads and grandparents who approached sainthood in the endless, selfless, uncomplaining performance of their kindly work. But it’s also work that’s easy to do badly. We see those results every day in the sociopaths, borderline personalities, hypocrites and corrupted thieves who populate the content of the blog pages.

People who chose not to have kids are probably making the right decision for themselves and the kids they’ll never have. I would probably be as happy with kids as without, but I’m glad they’re here now and I find them an endless source of amusement and wonder.

I don’t have any children. I used to say; I haven’t met the mother of my children.
I finally met the mother of my children; but I’m too old (so is she) to have children.
So we enjoy our undivided time together…no regrets, no excuses.

“The fact is that having children is extremely important to a vibrant society, where exactly do you think the people are going to come from to take over from you when you get older, or take care of you when you are a senior.”

Lahana, that is also a good point people shouldn’t forget. While there are certainly plenty of people in the world today, there is simply no way you could move hundreds of millions of people successfully from high fertility countries to the lower fertility ones like in the West, Japan, China etc. A society has to replace itself, or at least grow smaller very slowly if it wants to be a stable society unburdened by huge imbalances in its’ population.

I think one of the biggest reasons why people are in general less happy with children is that they were not prepared for how much work raising a child is. As I was growing up, my parents talked to me frequently and in detail about the work and worry of raising children and made it clear both from speech and example that to do it right, you have to put a lot of your own desires on hold. From numerous discussions I’ve had with many people, I think this is rare. I was prepared; consequently I didn’t have a child until my mid-thirties, when I’d done a big chunk of my life list and was ready for a more homebound adventure and my daughter has indeed been the happiest thing that has ever happened to me and in general, my life has more balanced contentment than before. But if the most forethought you give to having a child is buying a couple of books, you’re going to be shocked by reality. I see so many people who seem to think of children as an accessory rather than a vocation. SAW made the point of how easy it is to do the job badly, citing various extreme psychological problems as proof. And I agree – but I think even more than that, it’s a job that is difficult to do anything BUT adequately (in the sense, that the children do physically reach adulthood) and I would cite the rampant selfishness, blindness, greed and weakness I see in almost everyone. I’ve always thought there should be a degree course in parenting and completion should be a prerequisite to reproduction – I think that would be a good first step towards solving the problems of the world.

For instance, this entire conversation would perhaps be unnecessary if people were raised to have more discretion, tolerance and self-esteem. It’s the business of absolutely no one else if you choose to have children or not and what your reasons are. Why would you even care if some stranger chooses one way or another? And if my choice differs from yours, it’s not an attack on your choice; you needn’t be so defensive.

DancingOpossum, I think a smaller human population would be a great thing. How we get there, though, is important. Supporting large numbers of the elderly will have costs on societies, and in order to ensure those costs aren’t unduly burdensome, you have to have a healthy population of younger workers. That holds even if the elderly work longer and retire later. That’s why it would be best if the population were to fall slowly, to cushon the blow.

dob, I’d say that’s fairly correct. Also, the jury is still out on the gene-centric view of evolution 😉